In other news, I’m going to ride a horse tomorrow because I think it’ll help with all this emotional healing I’ve been having to do.
Horses are good like that.
When I wake up, it’s not shocking that David is dead anymore. I don’t have to come to terms with it over and over until I throw up anymore.
But I still miss him, all the time. On average, I can go about an hour without thinking about him. And then there are the times when I just start to cry about it and you can tell when it’s going to happen, because I zone out first. Because there’s a memory. And there’s him and me. And there’s so many things I wish I’d said. So many things I wish I’d done. Things we were planning on doing.
David made me into the person that I am and I’ve always known it. I knew it when he was alive. We’d been to hell together and back. We said unthinkable things to each other and somehow, SOMEHOW still loved each other. Had I not meant him, I would’ve been a different girl, for better or worse. I would still be quiet and a wallflower.
When David said I was beautiful, he made me think for the first time I really was beautiful. I never considered myself a pretty girl growing up, I wasn’t. I didn’t pretend to be. But that one day David said it, I started to believe it. It gave me a confidence that I didn’t have.
I shed my baggy clothes and blend-into-the-wall looks when I was trying to get his attention. And in the end, found my own style. One that he didn’t always appreciate, ha.
David looked at me with compassion. He always forgave me. Even when I was unforgiveable, unlovable. So I learned to forgive people.
I never intended to be a published author. I didn’t think I could write. David said I told great stories, that I had a great imagination. He told me I should share what I wrote. So I did. And I got an agent.
I never took risks. I never asked for anything. I thought life was just supposed to happen to you. When I was 20, David told if I saw something in life that I wanted, I had to grab it. No matter what. I started living by that. I became bold. More outspoken. Confident in what I wanted, even if someone else judged me for it.
I didn’t share things with people, but I shared things with David. I shared everything with him. David wasn’t a saint, but this bold, confident, ambitious woman is a by-product of being close to him, of fighting with him, of struggling with him, of knowing him, of being his friend. He knew literally everything there was to know about me and loved me anyway.
He knew me the best.
Now he’s gone.
And it feels like no one knows me at all.
Maybe that’s not fair to say. I have great friends who know me. But no one on this earth knew me as completely as David. He was the one I went to, talked to, confided in.
And I’m so angry that he’s gone that my anger could set fires.
this is the saddest scene in this movie
This movie is my favorite for so many reasons.
If you grew up in a small town, you might understand why.
Literally me right now.
I need all the carbs. Make it happen.
bfftoplanetearth asked: Just so you know, I'm reading 'Fangirl' at the moment because you've been tweeting and blogging about Rainbow Rowell, so I figured I'd check out her books. And so far, I love it! Especially because I just got to the part where there was a Taylor Swift shoutout. I love all the references to pop culture and fandoms and fanfiction. So, thanks for the suggestion ;) - J.
rainbowrowell is the best. FANGIRL is flawless and so is ELEANOR AND PARK. I’m obsessed with ATTACHMENTS too (mostly because the two girls in the story ARE me and my BFF Jen). We send each other messages like the girls do in the story, etc. And, good news, Rowell has a new book called LANDLINE coming out this year (summer, I think)…. I’m like a walking advert.
I’m so glad you’re enjoying FANGIRL though :) It really is a fantastic novel. I wish it’d been out when I was in college.
WHEN AUTHORS USE WAY TOO MUCH CLUMSILY STRUCTURED BACKSTORY
And then I went blonder…